Monday, May 14, 2012

Beautiful Monday

This is my last week gainfully employed. I am excited in a roller coaster sort of way. I have a lot of anticipation, both of the freedom and exhilaration and ideal of flying by the seat of my pants, and also of the fear and stomach dropping and nausea that I know lies ahead.

But I'm already strapping in for the ride, and it's too late to get off.

The timing is good - it's almost summer and we have a lot of free entertainment options around. Just this weekend we walked to the zoo and to the library TWICE, passing several parks on the way as well. We can grill hotdogs and feel like we're eating fancy al fresco on our minuscule budget.

Budget. It's laughable. You can't get blood from a turnip, right? That's where we are. The numbers don't work, no matter how many ways I re-arrange them. Cancel the HuluPlus, downgrade the cable, strictly budget the groceries - the basic plan is there, but then we're going to need oil changes, our car tabs are due next month, Norm needs a rabies shot...these things are NOT covered. I will have to cobble together enough miscellaneous opportunities to cover these expenses until my coaching gig starts paying again in the fall. Consigning seems to be working out, at least with the JBF sales it did. I've yet to check back in with TurnStyle. Hopefully a yard sale will help. Maybe I can line something up for the State Fair again. Maybe I'll win the lottery (nope, lotto tickets are definitely NOT in the budget either!). It's an uneasy and stressful situation that makes me feel panicked to examine.

And yet, despite all rationality, I'm excited.

I'm really excited.

I'm hopeful. And somehow that hope is trumping the big 'ol fat rational voice telling me this can't work, it won't work, it shouldn't work and I'm being an irresponsible jerk by trying it out.

I look before I leap. No, scratch that, I just don't leap. I'm much to practical about my abilities and my threshold for risk and I take the safe route. So I really have no idea what will happen when I finally do take a leap. I have no empirical evidence to consult, I can't even form a good hypothesis. I can't make this irrational decision rational.

So thank you, abused and ignored emotional self. Thank you for being excited, though I rarely let you. Thank you for still being hopeful, though I've tried my darnedest to make you cautious and defensive and prepared for the worst.

Here we go...

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