We were okay. And that is good.

I just went back through my blog looking for this past year's resolutions and realized that I made none - at least not on this blog - since I took November - March off of posting apparently!

Life happens.

So the good news is, no blown resolutions!

The less good news - no accomplished resolutions. And nothing much checked off the bucketlist.

I gave myself half credit for finishing up  the first half of #12: Learn to take great photos and get a “real” camera - I took a photo workshop in April that was really enlightening if only for showing me the power of a low aperture lens, which did drastically improve my portraits. Unfortunately, since then, my toddler's ability to pose (read: stop moving) for portraits has diminished to almost zilch, so I can't say I've actually produced many "great photos" lately.

 

I may have accomplished #68 Start an Xmas tradition and carry it on forever, but I'm not sure when I actually get to count that as completed?) I'll update on this soon and you can decide.

And that is really about it. Not that I feel unaccomplished this year. I've actually come pretty far. I am starting to feel relaxed more often, which is fairly foreign to me. I am starting to feel okay when people come to my house and it's covered in goldfish crackers or dishes are stacked in the sink - not that I aspire to live in a pit, but I'm working to be less uptight about having company over in general. I'm more comfortable taking The Cupcake out into the world, more confident that we will have fun adventures and less worried about her melting down or making a scene - again, I'm re-setting my tolerance for being imperfect in public. I'm learning to strike out all the other verbs and just "be."

I'm still not sure what I want to do with my life or as a career, and that still scares me. But I'm doing a much better job of living right now, instead of 4 weeks/months/years down the road. Heck, I can't even tell you what I'll be doing next week (or what day it is today, honestly), so I'm learning to live outside of a schedule pretty well.

I think the biggest thing I've learned this year is that the stay at home mom mantra is true: the days are long, but the years are short.

Some days are very, very long. Most of the days of my pregnancy were full of nausea and heartburn. Much of TC's first year was a haze of sleep deprivation. The second was non-stop action and some days I begged for a nap myself (or just some time to sit), but those long days eventually faded into short years - has it been another one already? Will I have a 2-year-old at the end of the week?

Yes. And we will celebrate with a delightful party, one that is small and manageable but also a reason to splurge and try a few crafts and take a lot of photos. A chance to gather the family and our closest friends around an absurdly big bowl of ice cream, dress TC in a special outfit she will probably only wear that once, and listen to her laugh and try to make everyone around her do the same. I will probably stress about it, and run late, and order too much food - but then I will sit down, and relax, and enjoy the evening as I am just now learning to do.

A lot of mommybloggers say that their kids teach them all sorts of lessons, and I suppose mine does too, but what stands out to me more is what I've learned not from my kid, but from being her mom. Being a mom. I've been humbled. I'm continually struck by how difficult it is to parent, mostly in the tiny little decisions or enduring the situations in which we have no decision, let alone the big scary ones we fret over so much. I'm shocked and surprised at my own reaction to things, and how I never could have anticipated the way I'd feel in any of these situations, or how I'd react, or that I'd even face many of them. I'm then shocked and surprised again that I can realize these changes and step back to look at my whole life, and everyone else's around me, differently. 

There have been few tremendous highs this year, and several terrible lows - we lost family members, including our longtime companion Norm. Illness struck our extended family. Cars broke, stuff wore out, money was tight.

But mostly, it was okay.
We were okay.
We had what we needed, we wanted what we had, and there was a wonderful peace in that. 

I think in 2013 I may not resolve to reach as many heights as I sometimes feel I should. I am often guilty of "letting the perfect be the enemy of the good", and that creates a cycle of stress that is self defeating and not fun. So, instead, maybe I'll just live in the middle for a while, and enjoy the peace between extremes. I'll check some things off my bucketlist if it works out, and I'll keep working towards some more organization, surrounding myself with things and people and tasks that make me happy, but I won't push it. I'll just be.

Stuff I'm NOT doing...

-  cutting my hair for a few more inches so I can knock "donate to Locks of Love" off of my bucket list. Not sure if I'll make it, as the urge to chop is pretty strong, but I'm getting really good at the rolled up ponytail I wear every day. I'm also growing out my bangs and remembering why I swore I'd never have bangs again...last time I had half grown-out bangs...

- painting our bedrooms. Despite having $100 in paint cluttering up the kitchen floor, I just can't seem to make time for this project, and I just don't really want to do it. Especially now that it's too cold to leave the windows open. Boo for lack of motivation.

- putting up holiday decorations. I didn't put up a single Halloween or Thanksgiving item. It was weird to have spent MONTHS in previous years on Halloween, and this year there was zero evidence in my house. I used to make whole photo albums of decor! In theory I'm going to try some Xmas goodies this year, but in reality - I guess we'll see.

- crossing stuff off my bucket list. I've hit a dry spell in my progression. Part of it is financial - a big part - seeing as stay at home momming doesn't really leave a lot of discretionary funds for travel, shopping, and babysitters, but part of it is just a differing of priorities right now. I may have to add some "with The Cupcake" things to my list, which are the more urgent goals in my life right now.

- roller skating. I miss it. I kept meaning to go and bring TC in her stroller (one of our area rinks allows it) but their open skate is always during naptime, and she's starting to be able to escape from her stroller too easily, I don't want to be caught on wheels chasing after her or trying to tackle her. So I guess now I wait for her to start skating too? :) Or maybe just for a babysitter?

- reading. I just finished "The Passage" and I can't decide if I liked it. I do enjoy myself some vampire literature, and post-apocalyptic stories, but it was so BLEAK. And every time I got into one storyline, it abandoned it for a new one. So I'm going to wait on the sequel, at least till the cheap paperback comes out. What should I read next? I need something fluffier.

One down...

First week as a stay-at-home-mom is in the books!

It still feels kind of temporary and unreal. But actually, that's how everything has felt since TC came into our lives. Each day is about making it through, we're always in survival mode. We don't make a lot of long term plans because I really can't fathom much about the future, I'm so focused on the now. Will it always feel this way? Is this my new normal? Is it good that I'm not obsessing about what is next, or am I wearing myself out by constantly feeling on the edge? Will I eventually settle in and relax and feel in control?

This first week has been lovely. We've had an adventure every day, a cheap little distraction that got us both out of the house, gave Normy (the dog) a little break from our torture, and passed the day a little more fluidly. I didn't intend this to be our routine, as I'm actually sort of a homebody and was looking forward to sitting around in my pjs and not dealing with the world for a while, but it has been good for me to get dressed and change the scenery. We hit two mall play areas, ran a few errands, took a long walk, checked in on Grammy (can't just cut her off cold turkey!) and even ate a whole lunch out of Costco food samples one day. It's been good.

We all survived the first week of super mega tight food budget, and everyone got fed just fine. We got some "float" in that we already had a big stash of baby food, frozen dinners, and treats around the house from previous shopping trips, but overall I feel better about the possibilities. It was a little hard not to just buy a Cinnabun at the mall or whip through a drive through for a Coke - things I wouldn't have questioned much before, and appear so minor at just a few bucks each - but would have major trade offs now. Hard isn't the right word, it was fine - just required a little more thought & restraint.

Our budget is tight. It also is set up for the temporary, and not a great long term strategy. There are places we could cut - cable, in theory, or Internet - but I've decided that I'd rather have a tighter food budget and trade off Cinnabuns at the mall in favor of these few indulgences that bring me so much joy. At least right now. And I actually like Ramen noodles, so that helps a lot.

I found myself yesterday thinking for a moment "I wasted another day" when I hadn't accomplished anything on my "to do" list. And then I felt sad and guilty for thinking that.

It's like when TC was younger and I felt like all I did was try to get her to sleep, then tiptoe around trying to keep her asleep. It was like I was wishing her away, her waking hours at any rate. But at the same time, we BOTH really needed the sleep. It was temporary. And eventually, slowly, our lives have become more about the hours in between the (still too short) sleepy times.

Now that I'm home, which is by choice - a choice that required a lot of other compromise and sacrifice on the part of my whole family-a main goal is to enjoy it. To learn how to prioritize and appreciate what is is that we have compromised and sacrificed to make possible - staying at home. Raising The Cupcake. Keeping her out of daycare. Not dreading each day at the wrong job.

I hope that I can balance the additional perks - time to decide what I want to do professionally, the opportunity to accomplish tasks in off-hours,  with the additional pressures - do I HAVE to keep the house clean? (not so far...) How long until I will have to bring in some income?

And perhaps above all, I just really hope that TC learns to sleep in past 6:30am!
:)

In retrospect, this is only interesting to me...

But I'm going to post it anyways. MOST of my life is only interesting to me these days, and I'm okay with that.

It's actually a little intimidating to wake up and have a blank slate before you. Here's what TC & I ended up doing on our first day as ladies of leisure:

- Just for kicks The Cupcake decided to wake up early, around 6am. But she did sleep through the night (even if I didn't) so I can't complain too much. We played around the house for a few hours, mostly with her new "BAA!" (big pink ball - $2.99 at Target).

- Breakfast was a bit of a battle, she ate one container of food but rejected the 2nd AND rejected her "nana" (banana) which she usually loves, so I knew we needed to switch things up a bit. I packed a bag, tossed Norm a chicken patty, and we fled.

- I wasn't actually sure where we were going until we were on the road, but we headed towards Toys R Us and I remembered they had Plum Organics squishy food packets on sale for $1 this week, which is a great deal and they are really convenient for travel, so we made that our first stop. TC was very happy to walk across the parking lot holding my hand, and then pleased to sit in a cart, but once we wandered down the aisle with playhouses and chairs and outside toys she started pleading "down! down! down!" and it was so cute that I gave in.

Strategic error.

She had fun running around for about 10 minutes, at which point I was too tired to continue chasing her and buckled her back into the cart. There were many tears. More sad pleading of "down! down!" It was pathetic and I almost buckled. Luckily the tearsdried up when we headed to the food aisle to get what we came in for, and she clutched one of the food packets for THE NEXT TWO HOURS.

- She kept that packet (mango/sweet potato/millet) clutched in her hand in the car ride, and throughout our next trip to Target. I was in search of a 2nd pair of some awesome capri pants that are NOT available online, and were gone (in my size) at the other 4 stores I had looked at. Interesting discovery: Target stores are A MESS on Monday mornings as they haul out new merchandise. But it was pretty quiet, so I finally got someone to look up what stores DID have my capris, and after a quick phone call, we headed to Target #6.

- I still had a few more bucks on my gift card, so I picked up a water table for The Cupcake. I'd been coveting one for a while, the kid LOVES to splash, and we've had some beautiful hot days lately, and there was one on sale this week for $29, so I decided to blow the balance on that. During our loop around the store TC started to "woof" in the dog accessory aisle, point and yell "nana!" at the bananas, point to the fly of my pants and say "bu!" (button), and sweetly whispered "hi!" to at least 6 people. It was a strange word explosion, but she was in a good mood. And she was still clutching the food packet.

- bank pit stop. I love drive-through ATMs. Moms of the world salute you.

- she FINALLY released it when we stopped in to see Grammy and she had to run and open all the drawers in the kitchen (washcloths! dish rags! Tupperware! AMAZING!). We enjoyed grilled cheese sandwiches and then headed home for TC's nap.

- She slept well, 2 1/2 hours, during which time I caught up on MadMen and ate a fancy Magnum ice cream bar (it was the closest I had to bon bons!). Decadent.

- Hubby mowed the lawn while I thew together dinner, and we ate on the patio (GORGEOUS NIGHT!). TC destroyed herself with pasta sauce and pureed peas, got dunked in a bath, and it was time for bed.

Things accomplished: good deal on baby food, 2nd pair of my favorite capris FINALLY secured, awesome summer toy acquired, free lunch scammed from Grammy, mama time enjoyed, and Cupcake entertained.

We could get used to this :)

Guess what I'm doing today?

 NOT GOING TO WORK, THAT'S WHAT!

DONE!

Today was my last (half) day of work. I'm done. I'm unemployed. I'm a stay-at-home-mom.

I expected to feel more of a catharsis, an emotion so strong it's almost physical, but so far I'm just feeling...pleasant. I had a nice final morning at work, my co-workers took me out to breakfast, I cleaned out my space, and celebrated by spending part of a Target giftcard I had on fancy chocolate ice cream bars and a fountain Coke (that's pretty fancy for a newly poor person!).

And now I'm home, and TC is sleeping, and I'm sitting back on a pile of pillows finishing an episode of Bones.

I have a billion things I could be doing.

But nothing that I HAVE to be doing.

Awesome.

I hope you all find a moment of peace in this beautiful day.

~Heather

Beautiful Monday

This is my last week gainfully employed. I am excited in a roller coaster sort of way. I have a lot of anticipation, both of the freedom and exhilaration and ideal of flying by the seat of my pants, and also of the fear and stomach dropping and nausea that I know lies ahead.

But I'm already strapping in for the ride, and it's too late to get off.

The timing is good - it's almost summer and we have a lot of free entertainment options around. Just this weekend we walked to the zoo and to the library TWICE, passing several parks on the way as well. We can grill hotdogs and feel like we're eating fancy al fresco on our minuscule budget.

Budget. It's laughable. You can't get blood from a turnip, right? That's where we are. The numbers don't work, no matter how many ways I re-arrange them. Cancel the HuluPlus, downgrade the cable, strictly budget the groceries - the basic plan is there, but then we're going to need oil changes, our car tabs are due next month, Norm needs a rabies shot...these things are NOT covered. I will have to cobble together enough miscellaneous opportunities to cover these expenses until my coaching gig starts paying again in the fall. Consigning seems to be working out, at least with the JBF sales it did. I've yet to check back in with TurnStyle. Hopefully a yard sale will help. Maybe I can line something up for the State Fair again. Maybe I'll win the lottery (nope, lotto tickets are definitely NOT in the budget either!). It's an uneasy and stressful situation that makes me feel panicked to examine.

And yet, despite all rationality, I'm excited.

I'm really excited.

I'm hopeful. And somehow that hope is trumping the big 'ol fat rational voice telling me this can't work, it won't work, it shouldn't work and I'm being an irresponsible jerk by trying it out.

I look before I leap. No, scratch that, I just don't leap. I'm much to practical about my abilities and my threshold for risk and I take the safe route. So I really have no idea what will happen when I finally do take a leap. I have no empirical evidence to consult, I can't even form a good hypothesis. I can't make this irrational decision rational.

So thank you, abused and ignored emotional self. Thank you for being excited, though I rarely let you. Thank you for still being hopeful, though I've tried my darnedest to make you cautious and defensive and prepared for the worst.

Here we go...

Only 2 more Mondays...

and then they cease to matter. I'm back to work today, but it's alright. The end is in sight, and the bank account is already in the red (oops), so I need these last few weeks to absently check my email and save up a few pennies.

And to build up sufficient panic about being broke.

Because we all know that will happen sooner than later, and frankly I can't believe I haven't had a major massive meltdown about it already.

I am a planner. I am, perhaps, an OVER planner. I make lists and schematics and budgets. And after doing all that, I know that the numbers don't work. Not with me staying home, and also not with me staying working. So one set of decisions has been made - to stay home - but a whole additional set of measures need to be taken at some point to actually sustain our new lifestyle, especially since we have NO emergency fund (and property taxes around the corner, ugh!).

The emotional part of my brain is torn between joy and freaking out. The rational part is kind of misbehaving, and sort of wandering around in an uncharacteristic dopey calm - this has actually been my general operating state ever since The Cupcake arrived, and nobody could have predicted it, least of all me. My family has commented on it numerous times (and encouraged me to have many children, because apparently I'm "nicer" as a zombie. I think I just don't have the energy to fix all the world's problems anymore!). Maybe nature really does give us what we need to adapt to new situations, and for me it was some strange release of chemicals that have allowed me to step back just a few feet from the fire and take in the larger scene with less panic.

But at some point, changes need to be made. I think I can cobble things together for a while with a mix of consigning/ebay/yardsale of unneeded stuff that has stacked up, but that is a treatment and not a cure. It is doubtful that will be enough to fix things for very long, and eventually we will run out of "excess" stuff :)

So what steps to take? Get ride of cable? That's hubby & my primary source of joy these days, but also our major discretionary expenditure. Internet HAS to stay, I am pretty sure I can't live without it, especially once the weather turns icky (or "normal" in Minnesota terms). The food budget will have to stretch, but I think I can work with that - we're already getting better at meal planning and trying harder on leftovers (not strong areas for us). We have a lot of free entertainment options within walking distance, especially since it's summer, but a few "big" things coming up like license plates and inevitable car repairs/emergencies, we're just not in a good situation...

So, is this the calm before the storm?
Or am I just learning to "roll with it" a little better?

Or am I completely irresponsible and about to learn a major lesson?

Guess we'll see...

Test Driving the "SAHM" Monikker

What a wonderful week. I'll be honest, I was a little nervous starting out - what if things were overwhelming or icky or just off, and then I would have that impression to "look forward to" for my last three weeks at work and wonder if I was making the wrong decision while not being able to change it anyways...

Those fears were (luckily) unfounded.

It wasn't a perfect week - The Cupcake decided not to nap AT ALL on Tuesday, which was painful. I didn't get to go to book club due to some scheduling conflicts (though I did get some other "mama time"). I got a sun burn, which then started to itch wickedly. I did a TON of housework, which isn't really fun, but it felt wonderful. Friday was a VERY off day for TC, she was crabby from 7am till she finally passed out in tears for her afternoon nap at 12:30. She perked up somewhat after that, but it was definitely a down day with a lot of tears and yelling (mostly from her).

And still comparatively awesome.

I'm excited to start my new life.

I hope to do a million projects, but I also hope I can keep from writing them all down and letting them drive my life. I hope that I can do what I did this week as far as having few solid plans, and just going with the day - if TC is in a good mood, heading out for adventures, and if she's not, maybe sticking closer to home. If the weather is good we can take a stroll to the zoo or the library or a cheap lunch and appreciate all our community has to offer. And while TC is playing with her favorite toy - be it the lemonade jug full of water or plastic hangers or the box of something much more expensive - I can putter around the house and hopefully accomplish a few tasks.
I also found time to blog every day this week, or at least to post every day. That was fun and inspiring. I didn't worry about finding a photo or planning a post, I just scribbled down a few notes about my experiences every day, which inspires me to keep on the organizing and lets our friends and family keep up with TC's antics. I am still not quite sure of the "public" direction I want to take all this, but it's nice to be back at it consistently. Thanks to all of those who have bared with the absences and spotty posting :)