I am clearly not "Juicy"

I was just perusing the Mall of America website for details of their Halloween event tonight, when this advertisement caught my eye:

 

 

Does anyone really walk like this? Has she just been hit by a car and thus her awkward head flip/hair flying/twisted up skirt? Or is she walking along Miami in a hurricane? Perhaps she skipping wildly and braying like a horse?

WTF people?
Who approves these things?

And why would this make me want to shop in Minnesota in the fall?

 

That is all.

[MN]Love and Marriage

The [MN]Love campaign was started to encourage marriage equity in our state. It grew in reaction to the legislative initiative to put a proposed amendment to the Minnesota State Constitution on the 2012 ballot. The amendment would define marriage as between one man and one woman, writing the discrimination against homosexual couples directly into the state's governing document. While our state legislators could not seem to find time to pass a budget (thus resulting in the impending government shut down, with its significant economic toll and many paychecks lost for state employees who actually DO their jobs...), they somehow decided it was a priority to ban gay marriages. Constitutionally.

In every other state where a similar vote has been brought to the people, gay marriage has been banned.

In support of the amendment, groups like NOM (National Organization for Marriage - yeah, right) have launched high-buck public relations campaigns ranging from disingenuous to down right offensive. I'm choosing not to quote or link to any of them.

Instead, I joined the [MN]Love campaign and had a family photo taken by Simon Scott Stromberg.

The "Marriage is..." Campaign asks Minnesotans to define what marriage means to them, and to share the photos "as a sign of your support for equality in our great and LOVING state!" I chose to get involved because I think these photos are a beautiful, personal, and truthful refutation of NOM's lies.

Anyone can have a wedding, but the legal ramifications of marriage are what truly define it for me and many other Minnesotans. As a married couple, we are officially a family unit for tax purposes, insurance benefits, Medicare, and social security. We have protections as far as custody of our daughter, survivorship, and next-of-kin decisions regarding medical care and end of life situations. If our relationship ends poorly, we have protections in the form of a process to follow dividing our assets, debts, custody, etc. In addition to the personal vows we took, we signed a legal document to become a married unit which reaffirms that marriage is a serious decision you cannot simply walk away from or reverse without consequence.

Fewer and fewer young people are choosing marriage these days. Marriage might be in danger, but it is in no way because of GLBT couples seeking these same protections. Allowing gay marriage would strengthen my, and every other marriage in the state by showing it is an important legal transaction. Legal marriage encourages a culture of monogamy, commitment, and stability. All of these things are good for families, for public health, and for the economy.

Weddings, the celebration of a marriage pump millions of dollars into the state economy each year, and we are way behind on extending marriage to this 10%+ of the population - in these hard economic times, why on earth would we not welcome these celebrations?

This is not a "gay issue." Please do not think it doesn't affect you if you are already married or allowed to marry - an act of bigotry written into our state constitution harms us all. It devalues not only our marriages, but every other law and foundation of our government when we allow corrupt ideals to find legal footing. Be sure to vote NO on the amendment in 2012 - I want The Cupcake to grow up in a state where she aspires to be married and have a family (if Grandkids are anywhere as amazing as GrammyCupcakes seems to think they are), where that decision is hers to make (with a little input from mom, of course), and where we support healthy, loving relationships of all forms.

The most important part of marriage is likely not the legal transaction, it is the promises. When two people enter a union, they set the parameters of their relationship in terms of what they value - be it religious, social, familial, etc. It is what makes every relationship unique and why we choose the partner we do - because we wish to build a life together under shared ideals. This part of marriage is not legislated, but without the legal aspect of marriage it is only recognized by and significant to the couple involved. We need the legal aspect of marriage to make it more than a fading tradition, and to give value to ALL marriages, including those based on different belief systems than our own. It is why I believe that

"Marriage is OUR choice, not our neighbors'."



This isn't American Idol. This shouldn't be up for a vote. Our politicians should be ashamed of themselves for making it into one - we certainly didn't vote on any of their marriages, nor should we. Now that they have taken this action, it is important to act. Vote NO on the constitutional amendment in 2012, don't write discrimination into the constitution.

Get involved:
[MN]Love
Minnesotans United for All Families

Grand Superior Lodge = neither grand nor superior.

I did, in fact leave my phone charger at the lodge this weekend. The lodge we spent at least$500 at when factoring in the 2 night stay, restaurant visits, and gift shop purchases. The lodge with zero soundproofing between us and the reception hall beneath our room, to the point that we could easily identify each song the DJ played during the weddings BOTH nights of our stay. The lodge with zero soundproofing between adjoining rooms as well, such that I fully expected the crying baby on the floor above to fall through our ceiling at any moment.

When I called, and was told they had found my charger, I was relieved and offered to pay shipping for it's return, honestly expecting them to tell me no problem and I'd have it in a few days.

So much for Minnesota Nice.

I was told there was a $15 minimum fee for shipping anything.

...

Is $15 a huge inconvenience? Probably not. But after all that we had spent, how overpriced that seemed for the amenities we received (sleepless nights, mediocre food, waitresses bickering with bartenders and one announcing to the room "Oh, Blow it out your ass!") and the clear lack of recognition of this as a customer service opportunity and cost of doing business in the hotel industry, I was pissed. And very surprised.

Had my charger not been obsolete due to age, I could have picked one up for less than $15. I believe the whole phone was $20. And above all else, I'm just incredibly irritated that after all I spent and what little was received at this resort, that they were willing to gouge my pocketbook once again. My charger would have cost about $3 to mail. Even if you shoved it in a flat-rate box, which the post office would deliver to you and pick up again, it wouldn't be more than $9, and that's for a much larger box than necessary. The staff time involved should at the very LEAST be considered part of maintaining the business relationship.

Instead, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. We were polite during our stay because the bride & groom have a special place in their hearts for this location, but had we been vacationing for any other reason we would have left midway through the first night as the music pounded away beneath our beds. As much as we love the North Shore, this is one resort to cross off our list permanently - Grand Superior Lodge, you have certainly lost my business, and I could never recommend you after these experiences.

I bought a new phone for $29. I think I might tell them to shove the charger up their @$$es.

Raging at Ru...

Ryan tried to explain the awesomeness that is RuPaul's Drag Race to me a while back, but I didn't really get it till I caught an episode this season.



It's FABULOUS.

(duh).

But seriously folks, this show is like a hilarious mash up of Project Runway + America's Next Top Model, powered by drag queens. They start each show in their male personas (including Ru, who is looking rough as a man these days but still makes a FINE lady), do a couple challenges that are sometimes funny and sometimes fall flat, but then they have a larger challenge that so far has been pretty entertaining. The show wraps with a runway performance, where the queens show off their AMAZING self-styled makeup, wigs, and costumes, and of course a lot of attitude. The bottom two are singled out, "Lipsync for their Lives", and one is told to "sashay away." I'm in love.

Or, I was...

till they sent my favorite competitor home this week. Sniff.

Pandora Boxx has the BEST drag name of the bunch, hands down. She wasn't afraid to use humor:



...that's her doing a hilarious Carol Channing for celebrity challenge - while all the other girls chose young hot celebs like Britney, Beyonce, and Pink; Pandora wasn't afraid to sacrifice a little pretty for the laughs.

But speaking of pretty, DAMN! She does woman WAY better than I do (as I sit in my sweatshirt, jeans, and no makeup, eating cookies and swilling Dr. Pepper...).



I hate shaving my legs, let alone all the extra those fellas must be trimming...but I digress...Here's Pandora's alter ego, Michael Steck:



Pandora/Michael was sent home, and I may have yelled at my TV for a while, but I'm guessing she'll pop up again somewhere - possibly a show of her own? It appears Steck is also a writer, and I'd love to catch Pandora's live show. My interest in the rest of the contestants on Drag Race is sort of blah now, but I'll probably keep watching if only to complain and second guess...

Had to do it before I lost my nerve...

I did it.

I'm a little scared. Tuesday it all ends: my hours of lolling around the house on the Internet, wasting time in such a convenient way. But also ending are the constant calls soliciting mortgage services, the repeated asking for donations (I swear the Lupus Society and Disabled Vets are run by mobsters - they will not take no for an answer!), and best of all, the $70 a month bills. When I called to schedule the cut off, they obligingly asked if there was anything they could do to keep me. I laughed out loud.

"It's too late. I'm sure YOU are a perfectly nice person, but the rest of the people there are RIDICULOUS. I've been counting down the days and I can't wait to be free of you."

That was probably mean, and not well rehearsed, but it's what rambled out of my mouth. At least I was perky and upbeat when I said it. She's probably heard MUCH worse in her line of work.

I'm no longer worried about getting rid of the telephone line, but the question is: will I be able to survive without Internet? We're keeping cable (dish) and I already sit at a computer all day long for work...so I'm hoping it is bearable. And for a lot less than $70 a month we can always walk across the street to the coffee shop a few times if necessary :)

5 More sites I have recently wasted significant time on:

totallylookslike.com - a few of these made me laugh out loud, which is not good when you are feigning work.

STFUParents.tumblr.com - a nice site if you appreciated "Pregnant Women are Smug." This is what smug pregnant women turn into after birth. I've seen so many of these people, I really should start submitting.

UgliestTattoos.com - See mom, I could have done so much worse.

awkwardfamilyphotos.com - I have resisted posting some of the gems from my childhood specifically because I fear ending up on this site.

ApostropheAbuse.com - this one is a GREAT idea, but needs a little help in the execution. They don't post regularly, but I continue to support it as a community service - apostrophe education is clearly lacking in our country.

Birthday Dinner

So far the big 3-0 has been a mixed bag. My phone died, which means my alarm clock died, contributing to me being a couple hours late for work. That doesn't really bother me nearly as much as T-Mobile refusing to sell me another pre-paid cell online (apparently I'm a terrorist? or a drug dealer?) because of a "discrepancy" that they will neither elaborate on nor allow me to correct. WTF T-Mobile? They keep insisting that I go into a store, where they are always more expensive. ARGGH!

BUT, on the flipside, hubby gave me two FANTASTIC birthday gifts (details to come), we're spending the evening with friends, and I'm already drooling over my birthday dinner at Fogo de Chao:

Loosely translated, Fogo de Chão means “protein-lover’s paradise.” Brazilian gauchos in pantaloons scamper from table to table, sawing hunks of meat from large skewers onto patron’s plates. Beef, pork, chicken, lamb—there are 15 cuts in all, from rack to tenderloin, plus sides of polenta, potatoes, and a salad bar. ~MN Monthly



I had lots of ups and downs when searching for a dinner reservation for my birthday, though I thought we were aiming fairly early I was repeatedly faced with places that don't take reservations (Old Spaghetti Factory - one of my favorites, but a seriously annoying policy), only had mid-afternoon reservations (Melting Pot - still haven't ever tried them!), or didn't survive the year (The Vineyard - RIP, special salad). I was getting pretty down about the whole thing (my yearly "I HATE THIS BIRTHDAY" rant may have come up a few times), but then on a whim I tried Fogo de Chao, a Brazilian steak house friends had just visited and RAVED about. When they described it as essentially "all you can eat MEAT" I was sold!

I made an online reservation with no problems, but then thought that seemed too easy so I called too - they confirmed, our reservation was good, and they had their normal set up on NYE (no price jacking or mandatory-alternate-super-limited menues, like some places - Melting Pot). I'm so excited! I have a feeling we're going to end up waddling out the door, and I hope we can stay awake for Al's NYE party (don't worry Al, I'm looking forward to it!)

Happy New Year All, may it bring you everything you need and most of what you want.





Except T-mobile, you can kiss my @$$.

Fit to be tied...since I don't have my glue that will have to suffice...

I just got a note from Amazon:

Dear heathereve[...],

Today Denny And Kathys Ace Hardware shipped item(s) in your order, placed
on November 18, 2009.

==================================================
SHIPPING DETAILS
==================================================

The following items were sold by and shipped from Denny And Kathys Ace
Hardware in package 1 of this shipment:

1 of Frank T Ross & Sons #1395 Gallon Weldbond Adhesive

Shipping Carrier: speedee

Ship Date: November 24, 2009
Shipping Speed: Standard

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? IT JUST SHIPPED TODAY. I ORDERED IT A WEEK AGO. I NEED IT HERE, NOT JUST BEING SHIPPED! I AM SO !@#$ing MAD!

Mad enough I wrote a stupid mad email which they won't care about saying "Thanks a lot for screwing me over" with a few other choice phrases.

Don't you just hate the interwebs sometimes? GRRRR!

Now I'm pretty much in trouble for finishing my mosaic inventory by Sunday. Grumble Grumble.

Pardon my fury...

Here is the next craft project I'm dreaming of making. "A spear?" you ask? "But whatever for? Fishing? Hunting wild boar?"

No.
Not hardly.
This is for something much more dangerous and pervasive.

Bicyclists.

"But Heather!" you say, "Bicycling is so green, hug the Earth, kum by ya!"

No. I am done with bikers. Especially freshmen U of MN bikers. Particularly the ones who ride on the sidewalks (over and past the "NO BIKES ON SIDEWALKS" signs), think they are above traffic rules, and are listening to iPods or - AND THIS IS NO JOKE, THIS I JUST SAW ON MY LUNCH BREAK:

Texting while bicycling.

Are you BLEEPING kidding me?!?!?!?!

So, how will I cure all of these ills with a spear? Simple, and you can certainly play too.

Make it a strong spear, not necessarily sharp, but strong and long enough to displace the energy so you can hold it tightly and jam it between the spokes of an offending bicyclist as they attempt to run you down on the sidewalk. Hold tight. Wait for bike to flip. Shake an angry fist at the downed cyclist and shame them for their nasty behavior.

If we all did it, we could start a revolution.

My husband thought this was initially harsh, but I think it's karma. Natural selection. JUSTICE.

Or, conversely, I suppose bicyclists could just start following the rules our society has agreed upon for said activity, following traffic rules and leaving the sidewalk to pedestrians, and maybe even putting down the iPod and cell phone so they can see/hear/react to the world around them. A novel idea, I know, but it just could be wonderful...