Stuff I'm NOT doing...

-  cutting my hair for a few more inches so I can knock "donate to Locks of Love" off of my bucket list. Not sure if I'll make it, as the urge to chop is pretty strong, but I'm getting really good at the rolled up ponytail I wear every day. I'm also growing out my bangs and remembering why I swore I'd never have bangs again...last time I had half grown-out bangs...

- painting our bedrooms. Despite having $100 in paint cluttering up the kitchen floor, I just can't seem to make time for this project, and I just don't really want to do it. Especially now that it's too cold to leave the windows open. Boo for lack of motivation.

- putting up holiday decorations. I didn't put up a single Halloween or Thanksgiving item. It was weird to have spent MONTHS in previous years on Halloween, and this year there was zero evidence in my house. I used to make whole photo albums of decor! In theory I'm going to try some Xmas goodies this year, but in reality - I guess we'll see.

- crossing stuff off my bucket list. I've hit a dry spell in my progression. Part of it is financial - a big part - seeing as stay at home momming doesn't really leave a lot of discretionary funds for travel, shopping, and babysitters, but part of it is just a differing of priorities right now. I may have to add some "with The Cupcake" things to my list, which are the more urgent goals in my life right now.

- roller skating. I miss it. I kept meaning to go and bring TC in her stroller (one of our area rinks allows it) but their open skate is always during naptime, and she's starting to be able to escape from her stroller too easily, I don't want to be caught on wheels chasing after her or trying to tackle her. So I guess now I wait for her to start skating too? :) Or maybe just for a babysitter?

- reading. I just finished "The Passage" and I can't decide if I liked it. I do enjoy myself some vampire literature, and post-apocalyptic stories, but it was so BLEAK. And every time I got into one storyline, it abandoned it for a new one. So I'm going to wait on the sequel, at least till the cheap paperback comes out. What should I read next? I need something fluffier.

One down...

First week as a stay-at-home-mom is in the books!

It still feels kind of temporary and unreal. But actually, that's how everything has felt since TC came into our lives. Each day is about making it through, we're always in survival mode. We don't make a lot of long term plans because I really can't fathom much about the future, I'm so focused on the now. Will it always feel this way? Is this my new normal? Is it good that I'm not obsessing about what is next, or am I wearing myself out by constantly feeling on the edge? Will I eventually settle in and relax and feel in control?

This first week has been lovely. We've had an adventure every day, a cheap little distraction that got us both out of the house, gave Normy (the dog) a little break from our torture, and passed the day a little more fluidly. I didn't intend this to be our routine, as I'm actually sort of a homebody and was looking forward to sitting around in my pjs and not dealing with the world for a while, but it has been good for me to get dressed and change the scenery. We hit two mall play areas, ran a few errands, took a long walk, checked in on Grammy (can't just cut her off cold turkey!) and even ate a whole lunch out of Costco food samples one day. It's been good.

We all survived the first week of super mega tight food budget, and everyone got fed just fine. We got some "float" in that we already had a big stash of baby food, frozen dinners, and treats around the house from previous shopping trips, but overall I feel better about the possibilities. It was a little hard not to just buy a Cinnabun at the mall or whip through a drive through for a Coke - things I wouldn't have questioned much before, and appear so minor at just a few bucks each - but would have major trade offs now. Hard isn't the right word, it was fine - just required a little more thought & restraint.

Our budget is tight. It also is set up for the temporary, and not a great long term strategy. There are places we could cut - cable, in theory, or Internet - but I've decided that I'd rather have a tighter food budget and trade off Cinnabuns at the mall in favor of these few indulgences that bring me so much joy. At least right now. And I actually like Ramen noodles, so that helps a lot.

I found myself yesterday thinking for a moment "I wasted another day" when I hadn't accomplished anything on my "to do" list. And then I felt sad and guilty for thinking that.

It's like when TC was younger and I felt like all I did was try to get her to sleep, then tiptoe around trying to keep her asleep. It was like I was wishing her away, her waking hours at any rate. But at the same time, we BOTH really needed the sleep. It was temporary. And eventually, slowly, our lives have become more about the hours in between the (still too short) sleepy times.

Now that I'm home, which is by choice - a choice that required a lot of other compromise and sacrifice on the part of my whole family-a main goal is to enjoy it. To learn how to prioritize and appreciate what is is that we have compromised and sacrificed to make possible - staying at home. Raising The Cupcake. Keeping her out of daycare. Not dreading each day at the wrong job.

I hope that I can balance the additional perks - time to decide what I want to do professionally, the opportunity to accomplish tasks in off-hours,  with the additional pressures - do I HAVE to keep the house clean? (not so far...) How long until I will have to bring in some income?

And perhaps above all, I just really hope that TC learns to sleep in past 6:30am!
:)

Stuff I've gotten rid of this month:

Project: "organize + scrape up some cash" is going along beautifully. I'm sending stuff out the door by the boatload, and I haven't even had my yard sale yet. Here's a few of my big discards:

 

• Hubby's dumb broken boombox that took up way too much room in the bathroom and I cursed daily (got to throw it away when he was gifted a new, tiny radio - YAY!)

• My beloved creepy nun dolls - I had found them at the Goodwill and did a Happy Dance right in the store. I used them in the VooDoo Shop for my Romp in the Swamp Halloween party, and had them hanging out in my craft room for years before that, but they were ready for a new home. Luckily I saw a craigslist ad asking for CREEPY DOLLS (do you not love Craigslist?) and donated them to a dude who runs a nearby haunted house. I threw in a few other oddities I'd accumulated, and ended up sending a nice big paper box out the door full of junk (and to a cause I wholeheartedly support! Yay Halloween!).

• Almost all of TC's outgrown clothes. I thought I'd save a few things for sentimental reasons, but one day when I was looking through the boxes of stuff I'd lovingly washed, folded, and sealed away I was HORRIFIED at how many things had yellowed already! (I thought only formula babies did that?!?!?) I decided then and there not to hold on to things - I had photos for posterity, and selling the clothes (& gear) through the JBF sales pretty much ends up being a "trade in" effect where selling the old pays for the "new" and we keep the kid clothed. In the past 2 months I've gotten rid of at least 4 big tubs of baby &  maternity stuff, and made a little chunk of cash doing it!

• A whole bunch of baby formula samples - some expired (boo) and I had to throw them away, but I was able to send 3 canisters to the Postal Service food drive (and they were picked up right at my door!) so they will go to someone who needs them now.

• A whole bunch of crappy socks & underwear in the trash. I followed the Discardia rule of putting a  garbage can in every room (okay, I didn't put one in every room, but I put one in my bedroom) and it made a HUGE difference! Instead of piling stuff on my dresser to throw away, or just not dealing with it, I pitched things on the spot and BOOM - way more drawer space, from stuff I wasn't wearing anyways.

• 
  The "Puff Daddy Forever" flag I've had since 1999 I guess. Despite not being a PD fan, I held on to it for all these years and throughout all my moves because it was a memento of a fun night. It was time to let go. The memory was enough. The flag could go.

• A pair of giant platform shoes, 17 paperback books, a set of DVDs, and a baby dress - all sold on Ebay, and all for surprisingly more than I thought!
 
 
• MY JOB & ALL THE UNHAPPINESS IT BROUGHT! It still doesn't feel quite real :)

 

 

 

Beautiful Monday

This is my last week gainfully employed. I am excited in a roller coaster sort of way. I have a lot of anticipation, both of the freedom and exhilaration and ideal of flying by the seat of my pants, and also of the fear and stomach dropping and nausea that I know lies ahead.

But I'm already strapping in for the ride, and it's too late to get off.

The timing is good - it's almost summer and we have a lot of free entertainment options around. Just this weekend we walked to the zoo and to the library TWICE, passing several parks on the way as well. We can grill hotdogs and feel like we're eating fancy al fresco on our minuscule budget.

Budget. It's laughable. You can't get blood from a turnip, right? That's where we are. The numbers don't work, no matter how many ways I re-arrange them. Cancel the HuluPlus, downgrade the cable, strictly budget the groceries - the basic plan is there, but then we're going to need oil changes, our car tabs are due next month, Norm needs a rabies shot...these things are NOT covered. I will have to cobble together enough miscellaneous opportunities to cover these expenses until my coaching gig starts paying again in the fall. Consigning seems to be working out, at least with the JBF sales it did. I've yet to check back in with TurnStyle. Hopefully a yard sale will help. Maybe I can line something up for the State Fair again. Maybe I'll win the lottery (nope, lotto tickets are definitely NOT in the budget either!). It's an uneasy and stressful situation that makes me feel panicked to examine.

And yet, despite all rationality, I'm excited.

I'm really excited.

I'm hopeful. And somehow that hope is trumping the big 'ol fat rational voice telling me this can't work, it won't work, it shouldn't work and I'm being an irresponsible jerk by trying it out.

I look before I leap. No, scratch that, I just don't leap. I'm much to practical about my abilities and my threshold for risk and I take the safe route. So I really have no idea what will happen when I finally do take a leap. I have no empirical evidence to consult, I can't even form a good hypothesis. I can't make this irrational decision rational.

So thank you, abused and ignored emotional self. Thank you for being excited, though I rarely let you. Thank you for still being hopeful, though I've tried my darnedest to make you cautious and defensive and prepared for the worst.

Here we go...

Several Small Heart Attacks

That panic I was expecting? It's here. After a mysterious absence, I am definitely starting to freak out now. I have one week left of work, and sat down for my 10,000th crunching of the numbers tonight, at which time I realized just how ridiculously poor we are going to be.

Gulp.

My heart is pounding.

I know it CAN work out, but holy crap is this a scary leap...

We have no savings to fall back on. We are not prepared. This is not responsible.

Our monthly budget is razor thin, and does not leave room for buying clothes, books, paper towels, or a billion other things I've really enjoyed having around. It doesn't include a line item for gifts, medicine, or printer ink. I can no longer wander through Costco and stock up on soap, toilet paper, and razors at will. Every purchase, every expenditure has to be tightly controlled now. We will not be lunching at Noodles & Company or throwing Halloween parties unless I can cobble together some additional sources of income on occasion.

At the same time that I'm feeling incredibly trepidatious about our financial future, I'm trying to reduce our "stuff" and make our home more organized and livable. These two concepts are at odds - if I get rid of things, I won't be able to replace them. But maybe I can make a little money in the process of getting rid of things? Or maybe I should just save the things?

Money = Ulcers.

Also, I want to be excited about all the freedom gained by throwing off the shackles of 9-5ing, but if I can't afford to do anything else, any of the great projects and adventures that come to mind, will it feel free-er? Or will I be even more constrained by a lack of means now?

Also, I just cried at The Vampire Diaries AND Glee. I think I'm just overly emotional with all of the huge life changes ahead.

This is my last weekend as the gainfully employed (at least for a while)! See you soon, poverty!