Don't Worry...

In case you were annoyed by my happy mood yesterday, don't fret - I went home and started to read a memoir of a woman with ALS, and then caught up on this blog I'd been reading since just before TC was born. That was quite enough heartache for a while, so today we're back to happy.

TC had another awful night, not sure if we're still cursing teeth or she just likes to mess with us, but we've had a rough few nights in a row. Luckily when she woke up for the day she was all smiles and we've had a great (if overwhelming) morning.

So far today I killed a spider, force fed TC 2 meals, spent 2 hours setting up a new account at the credit union (screw you, Wells Fargo. Charging me $15 a month after being a great customer for 15+ years! Shame on you!), picked up some essentials at Costco, mailed a package at the post office, and made a deposit at the evil bank until I can get all my auto debits re-routed.

And I did it all with a maniac toddler at my side.

SO MANY GOLD STARS!!! Whew.

Errands are definitely adventures these days, but it feels very good to get things done. And it seems to have worn out lil Cupcake as well, she went right down for her nap and is on her way to a good one. I've been able to catch up on MadMen and Game of Thrones, so I've had my fun too. And a $.57 fountain Coke from Costco goes a long way towards a sunny disposition as well :)

And now, back to budgeting and menu planning...

Beautiful Monday

This is my last week gainfully employed. I am excited in a roller coaster sort of way. I have a lot of anticipation, both of the freedom and exhilaration and ideal of flying by the seat of my pants, and also of the fear and stomach dropping and nausea that I know lies ahead.

But I'm already strapping in for the ride, and it's too late to get off.

The timing is good - it's almost summer and we have a lot of free entertainment options around. Just this weekend we walked to the zoo and to the library TWICE, passing several parks on the way as well. We can grill hotdogs and feel like we're eating fancy al fresco on our minuscule budget.

Budget. It's laughable. You can't get blood from a turnip, right? That's where we are. The numbers don't work, no matter how many ways I re-arrange them. Cancel the HuluPlus, downgrade the cable, strictly budget the groceries - the basic plan is there, but then we're going to need oil changes, our car tabs are due next month, Norm needs a rabies shot...these things are NOT covered. I will have to cobble together enough miscellaneous opportunities to cover these expenses until my coaching gig starts paying again in the fall. Consigning seems to be working out, at least with the JBF sales it did. I've yet to check back in with TurnStyle. Hopefully a yard sale will help. Maybe I can line something up for the State Fair again. Maybe I'll win the lottery (nope, lotto tickets are definitely NOT in the budget either!). It's an uneasy and stressful situation that makes me feel panicked to examine.

And yet, despite all rationality, I'm excited.

I'm really excited.

I'm hopeful. And somehow that hope is trumping the big 'ol fat rational voice telling me this can't work, it won't work, it shouldn't work and I'm being an irresponsible jerk by trying it out.

I look before I leap. No, scratch that, I just don't leap. I'm much to practical about my abilities and my threshold for risk and I take the safe route. So I really have no idea what will happen when I finally do take a leap. I have no empirical evidence to consult, I can't even form a good hypothesis. I can't make this irrational decision rational.

So thank you, abused and ignored emotional self. Thank you for being excited, though I rarely let you. Thank you for still being hopeful, though I've tried my darnedest to make you cautious and defensive and prepared for the worst.

Here we go...

Several Small Heart Attacks

That panic I was expecting? It's here. After a mysterious absence, I am definitely starting to freak out now. I have one week left of work, and sat down for my 10,000th crunching of the numbers tonight, at which time I realized just how ridiculously poor we are going to be.

Gulp.

My heart is pounding.

I know it CAN work out, but holy crap is this a scary leap...

We have no savings to fall back on. We are not prepared. This is not responsible.

Our monthly budget is razor thin, and does not leave room for buying clothes, books, paper towels, or a billion other things I've really enjoyed having around. It doesn't include a line item for gifts, medicine, or printer ink. I can no longer wander through Costco and stock up on soap, toilet paper, and razors at will. Every purchase, every expenditure has to be tightly controlled now. We will not be lunching at Noodles & Company or throwing Halloween parties unless I can cobble together some additional sources of income on occasion.

At the same time that I'm feeling incredibly trepidatious about our financial future, I'm trying to reduce our "stuff" and make our home more organized and livable. These two concepts are at odds - if I get rid of things, I won't be able to replace them. But maybe I can make a little money in the process of getting rid of things? Or maybe I should just save the things?

Money = Ulcers.

Also, I want to be excited about all the freedom gained by throwing off the shackles of 9-5ing, but if I can't afford to do anything else, any of the great projects and adventures that come to mind, will it feel free-er? Or will I be even more constrained by a lack of means now?

Also, I just cried at The Vampire Diaries AND Glee. I think I'm just overly emotional with all of the huge life changes ahead.

This is my last weekend as the gainfully employed (at least for a while)! See you soon, poverty!

A random collection of events making up a day

I baked a cake today for hubby's b-day! It was not pretty and I did not take a photo, but I did eat a giant whack after dinner and it was fantastic. I get a gold star for that too, especially since I had to entertain TC while whipping it up. Chocolate with vanilla frosting is my favorite, I'm definitely looking forward to eating it for breakfast all weekend.

I also took The Cupcake on a couple adventures including down to the JBF sale in Woodbury. I didn't buy anything, and was actually kind of appalled at the mess a lot of people left (who fills giant bags at consignment sales and then just abandons them in corners of the arena? There were TONS of these! That means people's stuff won't get sold because someone was a douchebag and basically took it off the sales floor! Jerks!). Anyways, I'm happy that I appear to have sold some stuff so far, and I'm proud I didn't buy anything, but I'm hoping it picks up the next couple days and none of my stuff was dumped in those abandoned bags!

Then we headed over to Target to pick up Grandma's mothers' day gift, and rounded the trip out with some Pizza Hut pasta from the snack bar. The only snafu was me thinking I'd save time and effort by NOT bringing the diaper bag in to Target, and then ending up without a bib or wipes during the lunch process. Let's just not linger on the germs that were probably ingested. Lesson learned, the wipes travel with the baby at all times.

Then we went out to Famous Dave's for hubby's birthday, and somehow I forgot a bib AGAIN and the kid ended up covered in BBQ sauce (even though she didn't have anything in sauce...it's just in the air apparently).

Tomorrow I work 1/2 day, and then I'm down to my final week (which is really just 2 1/2 days!). It feels like it's not quite real and I'm waiting for some big emotional impact, but one thing I've noticed is as my schedule opens up, I'm forgetting which day it is more and more often. I think (hope) it's less about losing my mind and more about the freedom from obligation. But I could just be nuts too.

Currently Reading: STUFF: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things and it's pretty interesting. Its a fairly scientific explanation of hoarding from one of the first psychologists to really study the phenomenon and a lot of really interesting stories - if you like the TV shows, you'd probably like the book (I'm about halfway through, so subject to change).

And that random stream of thoughts was my day - bring on the weekend!

Yes, I'm awarding myself gold stars now. I need them.

Gold Star #1: Dropped off a carload of goodies at the JBF sale in Woodbury last night, fingers crossed everything sells and I don't have to drag it back! I could especially use the funding right now, and I'm pretty happy with the carload of stuff that is just no longer impeding my movement around the house. My "craft room" is fairly destroyed still, but SOMEDAY IT WILL BE USABLE AGAIN!

I'm having a mega crabby day with dumb work crap, trying to let it all roll off with "it won't matter much longer" but dear god, I could use a Dove bar. Gold Star #2: A lot of swearing in all caps/symbols and asterisks, but I have yet to slap anyone or growl out loud. That's totally considered a win today.

Gold Star #3: has yet to be earned, but I get at least 3 today, dammit.

Milestone...

I quit a waitressing/catering job in the summer of 2003 and while I made a point to return every chafing dish and apron, I did walk away with the "lovely parting gift" of an industrial roll of sarah wrap that was forgotten in my trunk after a big busy weekend of off site jobs.

I loved that giant roll of cling wrap.

It was somehow much clearer and stickier than the boring old standard rolls, hardly the same substance at all. It was easier to manipulate because it had it's own weight, the roll never fell out or twisted on itself. You could use the cutter as a saw in a pinch. It was pure awesomeness.

That roll ran out today.
9 years later.
Wow.

"Ballad Of Paul And Sheila" By Mason Jennings

October morning, little plane on the forest floor
Up on the TV between a rerun and another war
Here in a hotel, trying to make some sense of this
Two thousand miles from my family in Minneapolis
Hey Senator, I wanna say
All the things you fought for did not die here today
Hey senator, I'm gonna do
All the things I can to live my life more like you lived
A story of a love undivided for thirty-nine years
Strong when it counted through the hard times and the fears
Together forever, that was always what it was about
No hesitation, there was never any doubt
Hey hey Sheila, I want to say
All the things you fought for did not die here today
Hey hey Sheila, I'm gonna do
All the things I can to live my life more like you
Hey Senator, I wanna say
All the things you fought for did not die here today
Hey hey Sheila, I'm gonna do
All the things I can to live my life more like you 

This just came on my Pandora streaming music and I was moved to share - TC's middle name (not actually Cupcake) was chosen because of these two and their good works - "We all do better when we all do better" is such an important idea, and one I fear Minnesota is falling away from as we lose the neighborhood pools, libraries, arts programs, and other elements of community we used to support and embrace. Not to mention the empathy and responsibility to hold up those who cannot rise themselves, and the realization that by making the weakest of us strong, we make ourselves and our community stronger.