Pardon me, do you have the time?

Part time, that is.

Two posts in a row. Well, in a week anyways.

Hello again, blogosphere. I'm back.

You've missed out on so much this year, but I'm finally catching up to 2011, and one of the reasons I'm starting to get my sea legs is that I made a large and life changing decision: I'm working part time! It is glorious and I am thrilled.

You'll remember I was pretty bummed out about my maternity leave coming to an end. Part of it was that I didn't want to leave The Cupcake, but truth be told the main reason was I just could not imagine how I would add 40 hours a week of work and a few more of commuting on top of my already exhausted list of burdens and not somehow short circuit. It didn't help that I had marked the WRONG DATE on my calendar and realized somewhere around then that I actually had to return to work a full week earlier than I had expected (sleep deprivation messes with your math skills apparently). I was devastated.

But what could I do? If I hadn't returned to work my benefits could have been retroactively ended on the last day I attended work - meaning I'd owe some big $$ for the small paid part of my leave, the sick time that was paid out, and all of the insurance coverage over those three months. That was simply not an option. Luckily we had the BEST POSSIBLE childcare arrangement, GrammyCupcake (my mother) would come and tend to the kid right here in her own home, where she would receive more attention and love and kisses than even I could bestow on her in a day. She'd carpool with GrandaddyCupcake who happens to work close to my home, and that way I'd know she'd be on time and everything :)

So when my last days of leave were crossed off the calendar I dried my eyes, bought a couple pairs of new pants (yay for breastfeeding weight loss), and jumped back in to showering and getting dressed in the mornings. Whoa.

Actually, the mornings went pretty well, we had already been waking around 6am for pumping/feeding time, and TC had just started being able to entertain herself long enough for me to go to the bathroom or brush my teeth without her screaming bloody murder. She even enjoyed chillin' in her Boppy in the bathroom while I showered, she just loves herself some warm steamy time.

So GrammyCupcake came and loved up the little one. And I headed back to see what had happened in my 12 weeks off. I expected a giant pile of work to catch up on.

And that lasted about 12 minutes. And then I was bored again.

This is a problem that some people just can't related to. I know, I know, I should be happy to have a great non-taxing job, lots of people would love to be paid for being bored all day.

I'm not one of them.

I try. But it's not very compatible with my personality. I keep thinking about all of the "important" things I'm missing and the anxiety builds. It was peaceful to be back, that was for sure, almost eerily calm. I almost felt like the sad lone survivors in zombie or outbreak movies who walk out their front door expecting the hustle and bustle of the world and find it is suddenly still and silent.

It was definitely silent. And I could eat. With both hands. And go to the bathroom, whenever I wanted. And did I mention eat? Because eventually that will come around to bite me in my once-shrinking @$$ for sure. And the silence? Yeah, I had to physically assault myself to keep from falling asleep. Because, in case you remember, I was exhausted. And despite all the craziness of having an infant at home, at least when I was home all day (in my pajamas)there was likely some point at which The Cupcake would fall asleep for a short period, and because the only place she would do so was pretty much in my arms, it meant that I was used to conking out for that short time as well. And suddenly that option was off the table. And it was very difficult.

And I made it about a week before I cracked and asked my bosses if it was possible to cut down to part time. I was pretty uncertain about the option being accepted for a long and myriad list of reasons, but somehow everything went through perfectly, and a couple weeks later I was back to PJs 2 days a week. Two glorious wonderful days, and that means I only ever really work 1 day at a shot. Even if it's the longest day in the history of time (most of them feel that way), I already know that once I'm done, I have the whole next day "off" to recover.

And being at home has gotten SO much more livable now as well. TC sometimes naps, during which time I accomplish all matter of other things like house work and even a few craft projects. The other day I actually cleaned the bathroom and washed a wall in the entryway, things I never could have gotten to if I had been working full time. Everything feels much more manageable now.

Maybe even blogging :)

To sleep, perchance to dream...

I was a sleepy baby, or so I'm told. While I can't vouch for the accuracy of the legends, I've been told that my mother went as far as to wake me up as an infant for visitors who swore that all I did was sleep. I've always enjoyed sleeping, and it was not uncommon for me to get 10 hours of sleep a night before I got pregnant.

Lord how the world changes.

I went into labor in the evening and despite the best efforts of my nurse, I didn't sleep a wink that night. Despite sending the kid to the nursery during our hospital stay, I never got more than 15 minutes of sleep in a row, and our first night home was completely awful, especially since we had to be back at the pediatrician the net morning. I don't believe I slept a wink. That meant from Monday - Friday I was operating on less than 5 hours of sleep, TOTAL. On the way home from the doctor, while sitting in the back seat next to the carseat, I had a conversation that didn't exist, and not just talking to a baby who couldn't talk back, I was hallucinating.

I completely understand how sleep deprivation is an effective torture technique.

The Cupcake is 3 1/2 months old, and this is a delightful age. It's a hopeful age. For me, I feel hopeful. I feel so much better than I did in those first two months, when everything was hard and frustrating and potentially impossible, when I was so entirely exhausted that I wondered each and every day if the lack of sleep would just erode my sanity completely like water carving canyons and valleys out of rock.

When The Cupcake sleeps, everything seems possible again. The night before last, she slept from 5:30pm until 8 the next morning with just a few sleepy bottles in between. At first I held her and watched TV, checked my email. Then as the hours added up I started to poke her and study her, feel her temperature, contemplate what was surely wrong...but she was just very peaceful. At 11 the hubby and I woke her up completely to re dress and swaddle her for the night, and she cooed and sang and smiled like never before. She was utterly delightful, and then went right back to sleep. And I did the same. And it was wonderful.



And it made all the difference in the world.

Yesterday all things seemed achievable. I must have slept for 7-8 hours, not straight through the night but with short enough breaks that I felt almost rested in the morning. And the idea of feeling rested was energizing in itself. I awoke re-calibrated to my life, and somehow, the kid was STILL in a great mood. She lounged in her swing while I loaded the dishwasher, watched and cooed as I cleaned the bathroom, listened to the dishwasher swish while I folded laundry...

It may have been a very isolated incident, and indeed last night TC was much more fitful, fighting sleep until she melted down in tears and frustration sometime after 10, and she woke up three times between midnight and 4am, but just the idea...the experience...the light up ahead...

It's the same feeling I had when I attempted my first post-partum craft project. Cupcake was snoozing in her swing, and I attempted to cut out pieces for some paper crafted invitations. When I had finished, she was still asleep, so I started to assemble one...two...forty-three...and then I jumped for joy because for a while there I thought I might never get to finish another project again, heck, I might never clean off the dining room table again, and here I had sat down and done crafts. Awesome ones that I can't wait to share next month after the bridal shower, so I don't ruin any surprises.

So much has happened in the past 3 1/2 months. Every time I bend over I get excited at how easy it is to squat and reach my feet now, compared with the chore of late pregnancy. I can put away groceries and not have to be helped back up from the bottom shelf of the refrigerator. That's not the only thing that has gotten easier. Not only did I lose all of the limited baby weight I gained, but I'm down nearly 20lbs more (thank you breastpumping) and all of my clothes are falling off, including my wedding ring. What a delightful problem to have, one to be solved with a shopping spree eventually. Speaking of pumping (long story short: Cupcake wouldn't play along with breastfeeding, and after listening to everyone and their mother tell me what I "HAD" to do in order to raise a happy healthy daughter, I did what MY mom told me - "whatever works for you." So Cupcake is getting breastmilk, just not from the tap), operations at the dairy are almost old hat. I'm only chained to THE MACHINE 5 times a day now, and at work it's even a nice break - I look forward to sitting down in solitude with my Kindle for those two 20 minute stretches. My emotions are still slightly wacky, and I may have teared up this week while reading cards at Walgreens AND Tina Fey excerpts on Facebook, and let's not even discuss how I react to diaper commercials like the Pampers one about new moms...but I'm starting to get it.

Or at least believe that I will, eventually.

We even packed up our bags and went out to LUNCH yesterday with Dad/Grandpa, and babies + restaurants = MAJOR ANXIETY for me, so that was a HUGE step, my first time taking her to a restaurant all by myself and on purpose, and she was a perfect peach the entire time.

I have stories to share. I've probably forgotten more of them than I'll remember already, but I'll get back to it.

Someday she'll sleep through the night for real. Someday she'll even do it in her crib, and maybe I'll go back to sleeping in my own bed. And she will continue to smile and coo and laugh, and one day she'll talk and tell me what a great job I'm doing and thank you so much for all of the effort...

Or maybe not.

But she will sleep. And I will sleep. And that will heal so many things.

The end is near...

As we close in on 10 weeks I alternate between terror and denial that I have to return to work soon. This is compounded by the fact that up until recently I had been counting wrong and have to go back even a week earlier than I thought. Boo.

It's not so much that I'm overly attached - I know she'll be in good hands with her doting grandmother. It's much more selfish than that.

I'm not ready to be part of the world again yet.

I'm just starting to get the hang of this. I'm just starting to feel like the pump isn't ruling my life (or ruining my life).

I'm not all that bothered by not bathing or getting dressed each day, and I definitely don't miss laboring over my hair or makeup. I spend my days like this:


And that thing, that creature, that little parasite on my lap - I think she's just starting to get the hang of it too:



She's sorta kinda sometimes sleeping for six hours at night. She's still unbelievably pukey, but she usually follows each eruption with a big smile. She has a great smile:



It's still really hard. I get frustrated when I can't just make something to eat whenever I'm hungry or run to the store easily, heck, it's hard to even fit in a bathroom break. I am still exhausted, and don't foresee catching up anytime soon. I'm not sure how I'll force myself to stay awake at my less than thrilling desk job. I'm not sure how to keep myself from gaining a million pounds when I have that uninterrupted time to eat again. I don't know what I'll do when I can't catch a little cat nap with this booger on my chest:



"Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you." ~Carl Sandburg

Romp in the Swamp Louisiana Halloween Party - VooDoo Shop

Yeah, yeah, it's been 4 months, but there are a few last details from Halloween I wanted to write up before I'm on to next year, one being the nursery decor. You see, it went through quite a metamorphosis this past year. It started as a seldom used guest bedroom with ugly tulip print wallpaper. When we bought the house, it was staged as a little girl's room, but not exactly my style:



When we found out about the cupcake, I knew that wallpaper had to go. I was really worried about scraping it all off, but one day I started picking at it and the whole thing just peeled off in huge sheets:



Underneath it was baby pink, but that wasn't appealing either, so with the help of my BFF we covered it in "tantalizing teal:"



And then we took a big 'ol detour from traditional nursery decor in the month leading up to Halloween, turning the nursery into a N'awlins VooDoo Shop!



This was where the psychic readings took place, I wanted to create an eerie backdrop packed with details so that everywhere you looked, you noticed something new, sort of how Disney has made even the ride queues and long lines part of the attraction by setting the mood. And I wanted to do it on a budget, so I focused on repurposing free stuff, using what I had, and finding great bargains for the rest.

To start with, I arranged the bed as a couch so people could sit and listen to other fortunes being told (and, it turns out, wait in "line" because it was so popular!). I covered it with a $6 black duvet from Goodwill and all the throw pillows from the living room. I used shelves and hutches I already had around the house as the "store shelves". Since the walls were so bright, I draped long panels of fabric around to dull the happy tone and create a more intimate setting. I used fabrics I already had and a few picked up dirt cheap at goodwill (I got real good at shopping on $1.49 days!). I used 3M strips and hooks to hang everything - no way was I re-painting again :)



I gathered all the skulls, crows, and skeletons I had in my Halloween stash, and re-used the bloody rose garland from last year's Queen of Hearts scene. I also pulled a bunch of creepy religious relics I had acquired over the years, a lot of angel Xmas ornaments I had inherited, and some spooky nun dolls I found at the goodwill a few years ago and could NOT pass up.



I filled some bigger spaces with cheap art from Goodwill - remember the distressed painting in the broken down frame and the puzzle in the ornate gold I found back here? Rustic candlesticks and old wine decanters fit in well too. Old photos in antique gold frames also fit the mood, and I picked up a couple sets of battery powered candles at Costco that I mixed in everywhere:



I kept the lights really low, it was dark other than all the battery powered candles and a single lamp (shrouded in white gauzy fabric) on the psychic's table, so that helped to blend the scene together and draw your eye to the details (and away from the empty spaces). More items "from the vault" stocked the shelves - an original Ouija board, a fake heart, plastic bugs and snakes. I saved all the unsold glassware from the summer's garage sale (candle holders, dishes, vases) and filled them with foam eyeballs or water and "grow animals" from the $1 store (make sure you do this a few days ahead, they take a while to reach their full size!).



My favorite was the snakes - I had saved them from the bathroom decor in 2009. I had asked people to save clear jars and containers a few months leading up to Halloween, and my mom came up with this great pretzel jar - don't they look fantastic?



I did a few quick and cheap crafts for this room too. My husband was on a Pelligrino kick so we managed to save a ton of bottles. Rather than going to the trouble of soaking off the labels, I just printed new ones using shipping labels and creepy fonts (yay for 1001 Free Fonts!) and slapped them over the existing labels. I used a black permanent marker to color in some of the words, used fabric paint to simulate contents "dripping" out of the bottles, and voila - creepy "ingredients" for sale at the voodoo shop:



I used the same process for other shapes and sizes of containers too - tea tins held "werewolf fur." A clear jar full of tiny pieces of string became "mummy stitches."



This was actually a pretty cheap & green craft. The bottles were all free & bound for the recycling bin - I just kept them a while longer and decorated them a bit before kicking them to the curb. I didn't even bother cleaning most of them out first - a pickle jar easily becomes slug slime or swamp water with little effort. The paint and labels I had on hand, and these really made up a big part of my "display."



The only other craft project I did was some crudely painted signs advertising various voodoo shop sales and policies - "We Have Wart Remover!" and "Deadly Nightshade - $9.99!"



This room took weeks to actually put together, mainly because I arranged and rearranged everything so often. Turning on and off all of the candles took another chunk of time (and a few fingernails) but it really worked out well. Of course, the main decorative element was the table in the center of the room where the psychic held court:



Luckily The Cupcake didn't try any funny business like showing up a couple months early, or she would have had a voodoo themed nursery that I'm guessing might have garnered some sideways glances (and possible calls to child services). But she cooperated, so I was able to get everything taken down and turned over to a more child friendly look.

This room took time, but saved money. In fact, I think I might have actually come in UNDER budget on this room (don't worry, I blew it + much more on the food). I wish I would have gotten a better pic of how the lighting levels looked, but I'm still a rookie with my camera, so you'll have to take my word for it - the darkness helped, and the final effect was spooky and excellent!

A dirty schizophrenic hermit

The Cupcake hit 2 months old yesterday, by which time a lot of kids are in daycare and their moms back to reality, going about their daily lives as a part of society.

Reality? Huh? I think our paths diverged somewhere and you are nowhere in sight.

If I were a good little mommyblogger I would have shared a million funny stories with you by now, we would have bonded over the trauma and truth of birth (and afterbirth), or at the least bored you with endless photos of my child doing cute things. Like this one:


(Olivia Wagner Photography)

But I haven't made it there yet.

It's 4:30am and she's fast asleep (miracle).

But I'm not (d'oh).


(so peaceful when she is sleeping)

I woke up with a rock hard chest. Like an elephant was sitting on me, or I was buried under rocks. I tried to ignore it, flip over, burrow back in - to no avail. So I'm pumping and praying that she's still asleep when I finish, and that we both get a few more hours of rest. Especially since today is my first adventure out with the girls (the ADULT girls), like a real grown up and not a dirty schizophrenic hermit.

Yeah, that's right, I'll admit it - I'm sort of a dirty schizophrenic hermit these days. It's the new reality I guess. I shower...sometimes. When I have a reason. Otherwise it just doesn't rise far enough up the priority list. Other "necessities" I don't have/find/make time to do anymore:
-anything with my hair beyond a messy pony tail
-cleaning my glasses till they are completely opaque
-cleaning the house
-going to the bathroom
-eating anything requiring more prep than Girl Scout Cookies and Goldfish Crackers
-leaving the house unless absolutely necessary
...and so much more. Priority #1 is keeping the kid alive & content (the latter is a pretty distant 2nd, and only done if possible). After that it's sleeping, AKA keeping myself alive. Luckily you can totally live on cookies & crackers, and if you are breastfeeding/pumping you can even lose 30+ lbs that way. Who knew?


(jewelry? clearly this was a planned photo op. My usual accessories are burp rags. They're cute and multi-colored, but not exactly red-carpet).

The "dirty" part is also furthered by my vomit volcano of a baby who keeps me covered in partially digested breastmilk most days. Mmmm, nutritious. We're generally both damp and sticky, it's become our natural state of being. This is admittedly gross, and should probably elevate the quest for a shower a little higher up the priority list, but why take the time to hose it all off when you'll just add another coat moments later? Better to use that time for a nap, or a sandwich, or more likely it just gets used up between holding and changing and pumping and feeding and otherwise surviving day by day. It's the same attitude I've always had towards shaving my legs. Shaving is annoying and cumbersome and a lot of times I just don't do it if my legs won't be showing. Especially from, say, November - April. I don't particularly like having fur or looking like a yeti, and it's not some feminist statement, but seriously, who likes to shave? And I figure it's only gross if someone sees it. Since we don't leave the house much, nobody does :)

She's awake now by the way. And just spit milk out her nose.

Being a hermit is also a matter of choice/priorities, and one of my best coping mechanisms. And I really don't mind it much at all. I've heard a lot of stories of moms dying to get out of the house with their little ones...it all seems like way too much work for me. When we leave, there's the juggling of schedule for eating and pumping. There's the luggage - diaper bag, baby carrier, bottles, stroller... My pump if we could be gone longer than 4 hours and all the parts I need with it. Extra clothes for her AND me, since she likes to "share" her food after the first time down her gullet... Trips out of the house really do seem to sack her out (LOVE that carseat), but they also sack ME out, so the benefit is negated a bit. It's so much easier to exist within the walls of my house. I like my house. I have cable, DVDs, radio, and now FINALLY fast Internet. I have her magic swing and laundry available without hauling it around. I've never really been an "outside girl" anyways :)




And as for schizophrenic...happens to the best of us. I engage in conversation with the baby, of course. Most people can understand that. I also engage in conversation with the swing, the lamps, the radio... I swear the rhythmic sound of my pump is a secret language and I hear mechanical words when it's running. I forget things, mostly due to the sleep deprivation, and can rarely tell you what day it is because they're all somewhat the same. When the house is actually quiet and I try to run to the bathroom, or even when someone is watching her and I take a shower, I always think I hear her crying even when she's not. Voices in my head I guess :)

It took me another day to finish this post, because it takes me twice (or 10 times) as long to finish anything these days. In between, I went out with my friends. It went way too fast, and I had to ditch out early to race home and pump, but I made it. And honestly, I didn't even have time to sit and worry about The Cupcake, it all went by to fast. I splurged on two cherry cokes (which I coveted way more than alcohol after almost a year), caught up with some great friends, sat down to eat a meal with both hands at a table, and was completely distracted oogling the sparkly drag queens on stage. I still appreciate sparkles, and I even managed to wear some of my own. I even showered. Maybe I'll only be a part time dirty schizophrenic hermit.

Reflections: 2010 Resolutions

I had this post half written and with plans to post on 1-4-11, but I got a little sidetracked with the whole labor/motherhood/survival with a newborn phase of life I entered. But now that I'm sorta sometimes finding a few minutes to myself (hands free pumping bra = NECESSITY! How did I not have one for 3 weeks?!?!) I'm hoping to actually get back to the blog, and this is a decent place to start - looking back, and planning ahead.

So, how did you do in 2010? Was it everything you wanted it to be and more? Did you find your true calling and move mountains and sing about lollipops and rainbows?

Mine wasn't quite that grand (definitely fades in comparison to 2011 already), but I give myself a solid C+ when it comes to my resolutions for this past year. In case you forget:

Original resolution posting
Mid year resolution check

I managed to hit a home run on a few of these:

- Cross at least 6 items off of my Bucket List (that's 1 every 2 months)
BIG WIN! In 2010 I: attended a roller derby bout, flew on a trapeze, won at bingo, helped throw a surprise party, officiated a wedding, and had my fortune told. I definitely get a gold star on that resolution!

- Take more photos, learn to take better ones
Though I've been pretty terrible lately about uploading & blogging them, I have definitely taken more photos this year, and I *think* I can say I'm getting a little better. The most important thing I've learned is to force people to stop and smile for me, which I generally do by threatening to post everything on facebook whether or not they smile - and clearly, they're going to look better if they cooperate :) Though my favorite photo of the year doesn't involve ANYONE smiling, I'm in love with this image from Halloween:



- Keep up with photo albums - within 1 month of events
This is another one I feel AWESOME about accomplishing! Other than being behind on the weddings of 2009 (we had 6...and I only have photos of 3...but I'm getting bolder about harassing people into handing over a few pics, i.e. Jen/Jess/Pat :) I'm coming for you!) I'm really doing excellent on my digital scrapbooking! I am still technically a representative for Heritage Makers, and I have LOVED using their system to keep everything organized, I try to upload pics there within a week of the event, and get to the journaling ASAP before I forget everything. I've gotten quicker and more efficient on the embellishments, and I really love what I've been creating lately.

- Take a real vacation with my husband. Actually go somewhere, just the two of us. We've been together 10 years (in January 2010), and never had a big solo vacation!

We almost scrapped this one when we found out I was pregnant with The Cupcake, but after much waffling (and since we already had expensive airline tickets) we decided to push forward with a trip to New York. It was a little difficult being 10 weeks or so along(I was really sick & pretty exhausted), but who knows now when we'd get the opportunity again, so I'm glad we went for it. Highlights were seeing friends and eating some AMAZING meals, seeing the Broadway production of American Idiot and visiting the Bronx Zoo.



- Bring my lunch to work more often. Like at least sometimes :) I'm so bad at this.

Getting pregnant actually helped significantly with this! The further along I got, the worse my heartburn was, so I had a fairly limited diet towards the end. I was drinking 1/2 gallon of milk per day, lots of jell-o, oatmeal, and other bland foods. It was easier to bring in a huge stash and eat throughout the day than exert the energy (and money) to go out for a full meal.

And then we reach the less successful resolutions...

- Organize my craft room again, and keep it that way for the whole year

Massive fail. It's a deathtrap up there. Probably not likely to be cleared up for quite a while. Yay for closing the door and letting it sit till I can catch up :)


- Stick to a realistic budget this Halloween, while still having the best party ever

Hmmm...how to judge. I massively blew my budget. But I enjoyed the party :)




- Develop a career plan. Decide what I want to be...now that I AM grown up!
No idea. For the time being, I'm going to try and survive my new post as mom :)


- File my receipts and bills at least monthly...and catch up with the ones thrown in a box from the past many years.
Fail. Though I have started to sort through some of it now that I'm on maternity leave, mostly because I have no idea where all my tax documents are (that I'll need soon).


- Create and pursue happiness actively

Work in progress. But I'm getting better at it. I'm finding joy in small things, and making time for what makes me happy, not just what I feel I should do.





- Start writing letters. Real letters on paper.

Fell off the priority list. Refile for a few years in the future :)


- Pay down debt. Significantly. Maybe even start saving.

Progress made. 2011 is starting off good in this area, which makes everything else more attainable.


I'm not making resolutions for 2011. I don't need to. I have so many changes and adventures ahead of me, I just hope to survive, keep an open mind, and enjoy as much of it as I can. Happy New Year to me:

Hello, Cupcake!

Big news in my life...the Cupcake has arrived!



I'm WAYYYY behind now on posting (and laundry, and sleep, and everything else :) but I'm working my way back to the land of the living and hope to catch up soon. In the meantime, I'm spending my days with this little princess: